DARREN BONAPARTE | staff writer

The war between APU cyclists and pedestrians rages on. With the increasing number of bikes on campus, this issue needs to be addressed.

It appears: the silver machine, gleaming in its smug confidence of ominous destruction. The sunlight, radiant from the stark white West Campus stones, refracts off its thin frame, blinding the small sophomore boy.

Michael, who has chosen to remain anonymous for his safety, fears for his life. The machine is after him.

“I hate bikes,” he said.

Sadly, this is not just a gross exaggeration; the bike epidemic is growing.

Our campus is infested with the growing numbers of these two wheeled monster machines.

I have yet to catch a bicycle reproducing, but I have a feeling Campus Safety is somehow involved.

And it’s getting worse. Now that bikes can only be parked in very certain places, the bike racks look like nothing more than a closet extremely full of wire hangers.
The riders aren’t pleased.

The walkers are not either.

One machine loather thinks bikers are disrespectful, charging past those who use the two legs God gave them in a conventional manner.

“A girl didn’t stop for me when I was in the crosswalk. She almost hit me,” senior biology major Joshua Henry said. “She was on a bike, so she had to follow the rules of the road, like a car. But she didn’t.”

But that’s not to say that the Cyborgs themselves don’t have an opinion on those who move the purely biological way.

I was once a cyclist myself, and it became aggravating trying to ride on the sidewalks when the little creatures blocked my path. This was before I learned bicycles belong in the road.

So, in the vein of Terminator 1, 2 or 3, I will now share exactly how humankind can be saved.

1. Destroy all bikes. In the event this fails, proceed to step 2 immediately.

2. Locate all bikes. Be wary of surroundings, they pop out anywhere.

3. Dodge all bikes. Do a barrel roll if necessary. What’s more important: a crushed laptop­–– or your life?

4. Carry a very large pillow. Use it to protect your shins and calves. The cyborgs love to attack the soft leg places of us “weaker” humans with their spokes and wheels.

5. Run ahead. If you run, chances are the machines will go after the weaker, slower one. Just like lions and zebras, the lions always get that one slow Zebra.

6. Don’t be the slow Zebra.

7. Don’t take up the whole sidewalk if you’re walking. The “Riders” don’t like that. They attack the pairs that take up their “turf.”

8. Breathe deeply. They can smell your fear.